Im the Funny Guy Not You Little Brat

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Kate: Oh, well before I say yes, how exactly did he get burned?

Scott: Uh, well, that is open to interpretation... because he will say that it is my fault, but I clearly said..."Dear God, man, you're on fire. Run for your life."

Kate: [sarcastically] A clear warning.

Scott: Yeah.

John Tucker: So did you like the flowers?

Kate: Sure, if you're into that kinda thing.

John Tucker: Well, cuz, you know, I didn't get a call...

Kate: I didn't have a pen.

Kate: Oh. You're the other Tucker?

Scott: What is that? Is that like "the loser Tucker"?

Kate: Oh, no, no. That's not what I meant. I just... you just don't look...

Scott: Hot, buff, or capable of inciting an all-girl smackdown? No, you're right. Naw, it's-it's cool. I'll let you in on a secret, though. My mom, says I'm special on the inside.

Kate: Good for you.

Scott: Yeah.

John Tucker: So you're lab partners with Kate, right? We talk. What's her deal?

Scott: Yeah, I don't know. I don't think she's your type.

John Tucker: Girl is my type.

Scott: Alright, well then maybe you're not her type. She's into stuff like old school Elvis Costello, she listens to obscure podcasts, she reads Dave Eggers. You know, she's deep, man.

John Tucker: Dude, I'm deep. I'm dating the poetry club.

Heather: So I talked to John. He was sweet. He felt bad for you. He said that you were jealous because we share something special. Something that we don't have to label because...

Beth: [interrupting] Because it's our unspoken bond and I just love how secure you are?

Carrie: And it hurts me to question it, because...

Heather,Beth,Carrie: [at the same time] ... YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME?

Heather: Damn! He said the same thing to all of us!

Beth: Figures. He makes up with us and he hooks up with us...

Carrie: [interrupts, whispers] You guys hooked up?

Beth: John and I share something special.

Carrie: Oh what, that they been both in your pants?

Beth: We share a vegan/nonviolent outlook on life.

Heather: [under her breath, coughs] Hippie slut.

Beth: [sarcastic] Oh nice, Heather. It's not like everyone doesn't know that little Miss Cheerleader brings it on.

Carrie: What, you too?

Heather: John and I belong together. He is the team captain and I am the head cheerleader.

Beth: Oh, I'm sorry, what kind of cheerleader?

Carrie: Oh, like he'd take either of you two seriously?

Beth: Do not lump me with her!

Heather: Oh so what, you're now better than me?

Kate: Shut up.

Heather,Beth: [peeved] What?

Kate: Sorry.

Heather: You got something to say?

Kate: No, it's none of my business.

[pause]

Kate: Okay, let me guess. Does he always use pet names like "Baby" and "Sweetheart?" Yeah, it's not out of affection, it's so he won't mix up your names. And he's all about an unspoken bond or something special, but never about a relationship. And the whole arrangement was your idea, so you feel guilty that he cheated.

Heather: Oh my God, you're dating John too?

Kate: No, I knew a guy like him... Skip.

Kate: John Tucker, there's only one guy out there for me, but you are not him.

Scott: You're perfect Kate... and so far not flammable.

Kate: DAMMIT!

Carrie: It's not that hard, uhm... when he speaks to you count to three in your head before you answer him.

Heather: Don't show any interest. Don't even look at him too much.

Carrie: Yeah yeah. You got it?

[long pause]

Carrie: I said you got it?

Kate: I was counting to three!

Beth: Not that slowly! We don't what him to think you're retarded!

Coach Williams: Coach Claypoole is in the hospital, so we're combining all first period gym classes.

[girls groan]

Coach Williams: Yeah, yeah, I know, we all hate each other.

Kate: Where is everyone?

Scott: [confused] You came early to detention?

Kate: Oh. Well, I'd hate to miss a minute of being... detained.

Lori: [walks in] What are you girls doing?

Carrie: Destroying a man.

Lori: Who Do I Make My Check Out to?

[Kate's mom walks out]

Beth: Your mom is SO HOT!

Heather: John and I belong together. He's the varsity captain, and after all, I AM the head cheerleader.

Beth: Sorry what kind of cheerleader?

Kate: Hydrogen and Oxygen walk into a bar and see Gold... they say Au, get outta the bar!

Scott: Um...

Kate: Because Au is the atomic symbol for Gold...

Scott: [slightly irritably] Yeah I got it.

Beth: I was so depressed, I couldn't even enjoy the break-up sex.

[the girls stare at Beth]

Beth: Oh my god, I'm such a slut!

John Tucker: It's like lettin' your best friend sleep in a silk hammock. They're breezy. They don't bind. And they give you just enough swing.

John Tucker: It's always all about me. John! John! John!

Basketball Coach: [sees John in the thong and Coach Williams holding John's ear] What the hell?

Coach Williams: I think this belongs to you, Coach. I found it in my bed.

John Tucker: Coach, make her let go.

Basketball Coach: [to Coach Williams] Let go.

[Coach Williams lets go of John's ear]

Basketball Coach: "Live and let live" is what I say, Tucker. Takes all kinds to build a freeway. But I am not equipped for this kind of weirdness THIS CLOSE TO THE PLAYOFFS!

[spectators laugh and jeer. John is embarrassed. The basketball coach goes back into his room. John turns around and sees Kate]

Kate: I guess it was four instead of three. Sorry.

[John goes back into his room, embarrassed]

Coach Williams: Show's over ladies. Back to your rooms.

[to more spectators]

Coach Williams: Show's over! Back to your rooms.

Kate: [referring to his lab partner Alex] How exactly did he get burned?

Scott: There's indisputable evidence, that I might have caused the explosion... and actually, he will tell you that it's my fault... but clearly I said to him "Dear God, MAN, you are on fire... RUN for your life."

Carrie: You should totally wear underwear to school.

Heather: [to camera Carrie is holding] Hasta la vista mutha f...

Carrie: Stop!... with the rhyming!

Beth: For you I don't have to give up all meat...

John Tucker: You don't drink an '82 Bordeaux just because it's sitting on your shelf.

Beth: I was so depressed I couldn't even enjoy the break-up sex.

[the other girls look at her]

Beth: Oh my God I am such a slut!

Beth: It's not even my date and he still gets me out of my skirt!

Scott: I'll let you in on a little secret. My mom says I'm special on the inside.

Heather: John and I belong together. He's the varsity captain, and after all, I AM the head cheerleader.

Beth: Excuse me, what kind of cheerleader did you say?

Kate: I don't get it. I mean, these girls all seem so confident and cool. How do they not know that John's cheating on all of them?

Crying Waitress: He's a total operator. He goes out with girls from different cliques so that they never actually talk to each other.

[chuckles]

Crying Waitress: And then he tells them that his father won't let him date during basketball season so they'll have to keep it a secret.

Kate: How'd you learn all this stuff?

Crying Waitress: [sobbing] I don't know, just a guess.

[runs away crying]

Kate: [narrating] I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me." Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?

John Tucker: Maybe I come on too strong, but... I don't know who else to be. I just have to put my whole heart into things.

Carrie: You know what, that was no accident!

[shoves Heather]

Heather: He's mine!

[pushes Carrie]

Heather: Stay away from him!

Carrie: Oh, you little brat!

[slaps Heather]

Beth: [tries to break Carrie and Heather up] Girls, peace and love! Come on! You guys are fighting over...

Heather: There's nothing to be fight about! John Tucker's mine!

Beth: [throws volleyball at Heather] OH!

Heather: What the hell is your problem?

Beth: I am dating John Tucker.

[Heather throws a volleyball at Beth but Beth ducks, it hits Kate instead. Carrie and Beth slap each other]

Coach Williams: [whistle blows] Enough! Let's get back in the game.

[Beth pushes Carrie, then Heather pushes Beth. Coach Williams tries to break up the fight. Carrie throws the volleyball that was supposed to get Beth and Heather, but gets Coach Williams instead. The crowd groans]

Coach Williams: Stop it, Beth!

Carrie: Darn it, Coach! Let me at her!

[Heather throws a bag of volleyballs at Beth, but gets Kate in the stomach instead]

Carrie: Just let me get through. Just let me get them!

Coach Williams: Put those balls down!

[Heather throws the same bag of volleyballs and hits Beth. Beth in return throws random volleyballs, one hitting Carrie and one hitting Kate. Then Beth rolls the whole cart of volleyballs and it knocks over Carrie, Heather, Kate, and Coach Williams like bowling pins. Beth lunges herself on Heather. Heather, Beth, and Carrie fight on the gym floor]

Kate: [blows Coach Williams' whistle] This guy is cheating on all of you and instead of taking it out on him, you are beating the shit out of each other?

Coach Williams: Language!

[Coach Williams gets up, angrily]

Coach Williams: DETENTION! You, you, you, and YOU! Honestly...

[points to Carrie, Beth, Heather, and Kate. Coach Williams leaves the scene disgusted. Even Kate beats a hasty retreat]

Beth: [peeved] Who is that?

Heather: I don't know. Pam Something.

Scott: Well, my mom says I'm special on the inside.

Hallway Girl #1: [to John Tucker, showing him her cellphone] Your butt is my screen saver!

Kate: You can't really hum to Cheap Trick.

Coach Williams: [screams at John in her bed wearing a red thong-John screams back and falls off the bed] You...

John Tucker: I'm sorry!

Coach Williams: ...little... MARCH!

[grabs John by the ear and leads him outside the hallway of the hotel. Coach Williams blows her whistle loudly. Many onlookers stare at John wearing that red thong]

Teammate #1: [sees John in that thong] John, what are you wearing?

Tommy: [sees John in that thong] Dude, those are for ladies.

Heather: [Kate answers her door and it's Heather] I want to bring down you know who.

Beth: [Kate answers her door again and it's Beth] Normally, I'm opposed to the slaughter of animals, but in John Tucker's case, I'll make an exception.

Kate: [now in the house] I don't even know him.

Beth: So, you don't even know anyone. You're like the Swiss, you're neutered.

Carrie: Um, it's neutral. Kate, if the three of us tried this alone, we would kill each other. You brought us here. You showed us that we have something in common.

Heather: Exactly. We all want to kill John Tucker.

Kate: Wow. Okay.

Carrie: [sees the entire basketball team wearing thongs] Unbelievable.

Beth: [on phone, angrily] I'd hit him with my car if he wouldn't make body casts a fashion statement.

Carrie: [Carrie has realized that Beth is still in John Tucker's jeep] Oh my god! Beth!

Heather: What?

Carrie: Slut in truck! Let's go!

Kate: So I'm not just some '82 Bordeaux you want to uncork and pork.

John Tucker: Did you write down my number yesterday? Because I didn't get a call last night..

Kate: Well I didn't have a pen..

[walks away]

Carrie: She's right. I mean he always making me feel guilty.

Kate: It seems to me that if a guy treats you like that...

Heather: [interrupts] You'd break up with him, blah, blah, blah...

Beth: Even John would have another girlfriend in a second.

Kate: No, I didn't say break up. I'd get even.

[Carrie, Beth, and Heather look at her]

Heather: Who are you?

Beth: I know, you're that girl that wigged out last year and got sent to rehab!

Kate: No, I...

Beth: [interrupts] Then you got taken away from bulimia.

Kate: No.

Beth: Fat camp?

Kate: No. My name is...

Detention Teacher: [enters the library, interrupting] Hey, no talking!

Kate: My name is...

Detention Teacher: [interrupts] No talking!

Volleyball Girl: You weren't at the party last night. Where were you?

Carrie: Well, it's totally on the DL. I mean, not fit to print. I'm dating... John Tucker.

Beth: [refering to Kate's date with John] You mean he was able to be intimate without being... intimate?

Guy at Party #4: Holy Jamma Lamma. Kiss her again... Do it...

Kate: [turns on the headlights on John's Jeep] Get out of here, you little perv!

Kate: [to lori] Remember to lock the door when you sneak out.

Beth: I can't believe I ate meat for him. I mean, it was fish, but still. I don't eat anything with a face.

Kate: He's probably just in town for a layover and he's just looking for someone to lay over.

Lori: [fake laughs] Ha very funny sweetheart.

Kate: It doesn't work like it will stop your hormone production.

Beth: Yeah and when you run out you will grow a mustache and a penis.

Game 2 Opponent: [to John] If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would have farted!

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455967/quotes/qt0360199

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